Doubt
September 6, 2017
All the music that’s coming out of me sounds dated and slow compared to everything that’s out there in the pop world right now. I’m writing about things that matter to me, that I want to write. But I’m just different… people wouldn’t understand me because there’s nobody else like me. Literally, nobody. Yet somehow, I hear this calling to share what I’m feeling with the world. To tell anyone out there who feels the same way that they aren’t alone. I can help them heal. They need me.
I want somebody to love. Whoever it ends up being, I’m going to care about them so much… more than anything else. So much that I’d never, ever, ever want to give them less than 100% of myself. I’d have too much respect for them to give any less. I’m not at 100% yet. I haven’t had any real successes. Personal successes yes: talking, finding an apartment, getting a job… But to normal people these aren’t a big deal. It doesn’t matter how hard they were for me to achieve, it’s not fucking good enough. I’m not knocking myself. I’ve definitely come a long way. But from a strictly objective perspective, I’m barely standing on my feet. The person who I want to love me deserves more. They deserve my fucking best.
It’s about the journey and growing together, isn’t it? No. At least not in the way you want it to be. The journey and growth that happens in a relationship is built together. That’s the song and the music. It’s a beautiful piece of art. The journey and growth that you do on your own… that’s the instrument. Make sure your instrument is taken care of and is in the best condition before asking someone to play a duet with you. That’s how I see it.
Then you end up with two perfectly crafted musical vessels, harmonizing into a symphony of love. You can play with a lot of different people until you find the one who complements you the most. If you build one instrument together and play it at the same time, it could be just as wonderful, but you’re likely to clash with each other at some point. And you can’t play with anyone else, so you’re stuck with them for better or for worse.
It’s too late for me to try and make myself into a different instrument. I’m great as I am, anyway. I just need to push and adjust a little bit more, and I’ll make sure to let the song bring out the best in me.