Envy
April 9, 2017
Nell’s birthday came and went without a journal entry. I meant to write one, but I got too busy. I’ve been playing at open mics. The reactions have been okay. People tell me how great I am, but then they say the exact same thing to the next chump who goes up. They aren’t even that great, yet they have more fans than I do. I wish people would fawn over me, or at least really want to be my friend. I’m disappointed when I perform and jealous of others when they perform. It makes me want to do better, so that’s a plus.
Elizabeth is with some other guy now. I don’t know anything about him or how long they’ve been together. She mentioned him in a reddit post. For a few hours I was really angry. I felt like I wasn’t good enough, like why would someone choose anyone else over me? Was he funnier? Older? Younger? Wiser? Richer? Better looking? More in shape? It came as a shock. I knew the day would come, but I thought I’d find someone too. I’m still alone.
Then I remembered I didn’t care about her any more, and I was all right again.
Nell is on vacation on some island, posting pictures of her and her perfect husband. Fuck, her life is like a dream. Party and study abroad in China, and then get married and travel all over the world with the love of her life. She seems pretty much as happy in love as ever. I’m envious of her now too. I’m envious of other performers, envious of Elizabeth’s new man, and envious of Nell’s idyllic life. I’m disappointed in myself. After all this, I still can’t seem to get my life going. I’m 27 already, fuck me. I need to get the fire burning again. It’s up to me. If I don’t step up, nobody is going to do it for me.
Here’s what I’m doing right… my songs are taking shape. I’ll have enough for an album. I’m going to debut it all online when I’m ready. The open mics are overall a plus. I’m going out and practicing my performing. It’s making me be more social too. I’ve discovered that I really like strip clubs. Once I figure out how not to spend so much money there, it’ll be an amazing way to practice flirting and communicating.
So maybe I’m not the perfect husband, taking my wife around to see the world… maybe I’m not good enough for Elizabeth… maybe my music won’t end up being that good… but I will, I will be, and it will end up being good. It’ll be damn good. I’ll make it happen.