Espresso
Sep 8, 2020
Abort, abort! It’s over.
I asked her if she was seeing anybody, and she replied, “I’m not interested in that.”
For some reason though, I’m not too upset about it at the moment. Maybe it’ll hit me later, but it’s something about the way it all unfolded. I asked, “Even just as friends?” She said it wouldn’t be professional, and this kind of thing has happened before.
I think there may have been one guy who ruined it for everyone else. Or maybe several guys. Her heart does seem to be overly guarded. I thought she was just shy, but it’s probably an unfortunate defense mechanism.
She once told me she was studying animal biology. This was music to my ears because people who love animals are super sweet and caring and empathetic, usually. She’s great with kids, she’s hardworking, she has a cute voice with clear diction, cute bangs, wonderful smile, and quick and ready wit, and a unique indie dress style.
But, I think what attracted me the most was the potential for us to understand each other, just because I felt like we were so much alike.
To find someone who understands such an eccentric oddity like me… I think that’s what I’m searching for. And, the way I’ve decided to find that is by trying to return that very same understanding myself. You attract the energy you put out, the saying goes.
I told her that it must be uncomfortable to get hit on at work, and that the last thing I wanted to do was make her uncomfortable. Then, I said, “Take care,” and left.
I can accept it’s over. Siobhan helped me get over Nell. And her rejection (“I’m not interested in that” RIP…) helped to cancel out my infatuation with her. So, I’m debt-free, it seems. I’m a free man.
The sun was always me. The faces of the moon change only when I decide to shine my light on somebody new.
Sep 20, 2020
Why do I want romantic love so much?
The obvious reason is that I haven’t had it. The heart longs for that which doesn’t come easily. Or doesn’t have.
For the beautiful among us, it must just be something they have… an afterthought, like pizza or shampoo. When they lack it, they just go get more, and then go on with their day.
So the only ones shouting about it and yearning for it are the undesirables like me, always tantalized by the fantasy, but never able to taste, until one day that fantasy finally consumes them, unweaving any connection or basis of reality still embedded in its fabrics.
What was different about the way Nell rejected me versus the way Siobhan rejected me?
When Nell rejected me, I was so sure she was the perfect person for me. She gave me something I never had before, which was understanding. I thought, “If only she knew how much I love her, then she’d see.” I just wasn’t HER perfect person. I wasn’t the person I thought she deserved. I wasn’t worthy of her. I think that’s why it hurt so much. There was no one else to blame but me (ego, much?).
The thing is, the person I thought would be worthy of her, was the person I myself wanted to become, not who she told me to be (albeit, a person who I thought she’d like). The person I am today was my own vision.
When Siobhan rejected me, I was still so sure that this would be the perfect person for me. But this time, I knew I could be, if not a perfect person for her, then at least a great one. I’m happier with who I am now, and I didn’t actually feel unworthy of her.
The line of thought changed to, “If only she got to know me, then she’d see.”
But, she never did. She never really got to know me, so she’ll never realize what she passed up. In a different universe, if things went another way, we’d have enjoyed an incredible life together with happiness blooming in all the corners of our joyous fields of metaphorical sunflowers.
The mistake I made was not being prepared, and not having enough control of that interaction. I wasn’t good enough in that sense, and that’s why I’m a bit melancholy about it. I’m still somewhat to blame for robbing this universe of such a beautiful love. But now, I can feel like I’d belong in such a world.
That’s the difference.