Family Tree
March 28, 2023
I once wrote down all the names of my friends on a family tree. They took the place of my biological family, the adage “you choose your family” at the forefront of my mind.
One of my friends once said he surprisingly had a lot of friends for someone who said so little. I guess that applies to me too. I don’t know why or how… at some point I discovered people don’t mind me. I have some people I can call on for support… something I lacked all those years ago. But, do they really know me?
Can you hide what you truly feel and still be friends with someone? I had a “life coach” who made me wonder. Few know about Danika, my mom, or the things I felt. Does that make my relationships less genuine?
They know who I am now. I show people every day who I am, and who I choose to be. We are who we are in the moment, and we are who we are because of all the choices we’ve made in the past. I try my hardest to honor Ashley’s memory and to try to live up to the person I wanted to be. Do they really have to know the “why”?
I have a need to understand. As a terrified child, the only way I could assuage my fears was to understand the world. My frustrations were born when I discovered that not all in the world could be understood so easily. I was afraid of the dark, of dogs, and spiders. I was afraid of talking amongst those whom I didn’t understand. I was afraid of why my mother didn’t love me. And, I was afraid of why Danika didn’t want me.
The same drive to understand seems to give me some general likeability. It’s not a common skill evidently, at least not to the extend I’m compelled to exercise. Maybe the true root of empathy is fear… someone who has no fear has no incentive to truly understand, after all.
But the world is full of fear. Maybe there will come a day when somebody will want to understand me. When they do… will I be brave enough to give them this diary?
Happy birthday, Danika.