Heart
I didn’t get another job immediately. My counselor was helping me find one, but I couldn’t seem to get past the job requirements that always listed experience and an outgoing personality, both of which I knew I didn’t have.
In the meantime, I distracted myself on an internet forum called Yahoo Answers. You could post any question, and within a few minutes, people would answer it. There were different areas of the forum dedicated to questions about philosophy, science, or movies, for example. I liked the fact that I could help and talk with other people without even leaving my house. And it was much easier on my anxieties because there was no face to face interaction.
I spent a lot of time on this forum and made some friends there. I got a message from a girl who said she liked the answers that I gave. Her name was Elizabeth, and we eventually escalated to chatting on an instant messenger. We probably talked every single day at least for a few hours. She lived in California, so it would have been difficult to meet in person. That was the case with a lot of the people I met online. They lived so far away that meeting up was never really an option.
Elizabeth had issues she was going through that I could relate to like depression and thoughts of suicide. She felt like I understood her, and I felt like I finally had a friend I could talk to about anything. I tried my hardest to help her, which meant sometimes indulging her advances towards me. I liked her and was flattered, but I knew there was very little chance of an online relationship working out.
I was 18, and she was 16 when we first started talking. A few months later her parents, who deduced I was a dangerous and predatory internet pervert, forced her to cut communications with me. One night, I got a call from her father, a seasoned cop. We talked for a bit, and then he asked me for my driver’s license number. I hesitated, not knowing what the repercussions could be, but cooperated anyway. Later that night, Elizabeth sent a message saying she wasn’t allowed to talk to me.
“Well, that’s the end of that,” I thought. She told me that she had feelings for me, but I was still so wrapped up with Nell that there was no room in my heart to let in someone new.
July 14, 2009
I’ve been talking to this girl on the internet named Elizabeth since January. It’s crazy to think how much we are alike. We’re both musicians, we’re both socially awkward, and we both had our hearts broken. I think she liked me as much as I liked Nell. I wish I felt the same way about her, but I don’t. I thought I did, but I didn’t really love her… I wanted to save her.
She was depressed, and I tried to help her. It only turned out worse in the end. Everyone has their heart broken at some point, and I hope she is stronger for it and has a better life without me.
October 13, 2009
I keep having dreams about Nell. What does this mean? When will I finally be able to close that chapter of my life? My feelings for her will never change, so what can I do?
I hate to bring up old feelings and ancient affairs, but what could possibly be worse than living life with regrets? I can break my back, tear up my knuckles, battle to the death with ingrown hairs … though in the end, the only thing that will ever make me cry is her. The way to kill a man is through his heart.
In addition to Elizabeth, I also talked to some other people who I met online. One was Ashley, who went by the name Simply Amused. I’d never met or talked to anybody like Ashley before. She was my age, but she had cancer. I felt that for someone who had a death sentence, she had a more positive and dynamic view of life than most people. She used a laptop at the hospital to pass the time online, where she would go on the Yahoo Answers forum where we met.
She was upbeat when she answered questions, and I felt her energy when I talked to her on messenger as well. We were open with each other to talking about anything, good or bad. She was dealing with a lot, yet she was always honest and real with herself and with me. If someone like her, who had a chronic sickness, could have so much joy in her heart, then there was no excuse for me to be depressed. Inspired by her, I felt myself beginning to be happy and being at ease with myself.
She lived in New York. Once, she hitchhiked across the country to California to meet some sharks. She said she did it because she loved sharks, but I also thought that for someone who has cancer to go and get eaten by a shark would be the ultimate “fuck you” to cancer. To be in control of your own destiny would be worth so much more than any risk you could take. It reminded me of my trip to Austin, and how I just wanted to be in control of my life too.
She never met any sharks.