Identity

March 28, 2024

Last year, I wrote about who I was and who I chose to be. I seemed very self-assured. But lately, I’ve been wondering … questioning my identity. My past self said we are who we are because of every choice we’ve made up to this point. Now I’m wondering if I ever had the free will to make those choices in the first place.

I’ve been beginning to think about my genes, my heritage and my blood.

I’ve visited Korea twice, neither of which I have any memories of… once when I was a toddler, and again just before I started fifth grade. I wouldn’t have had any way of meaningfully contextualizing my trip and what I saw. It didn’t mean anything to me because my life — what I wanted my life to be like — was in America.

So much for that. I’ve been working non-stop for the past 8 years. It’s that more than anything that’s making me doubt my trajectory in life. I just turned 34 and still haven’t achieved much in the way of my actual goals. I’ve been trapped in the hamster wheel of constant work, which I hear is a similar pitfall of my Korean brethren.

Specifically, they take work culture to the extreme, more so than others. They also display some perfectionistic tendencies, and are gun-shy, like me. I also end up liking things like Go and ping pong, coincidentally, which Koreans also like. I can’t tell if it’s nature or nurture. My mom, whether intentional or not, must have perpetuated some patterns of Korean parenting on me, as well as encouraging some retention of her native culture. I did grow up around the Korean church after all.

I’ve also go this Selective Mutism side to me, as well as all the Go friends I’ve made. Am I a Go player then? Is that who I want to be?

Another identity I’ve sort of hijacked is Ashley’s online moniker Amused. I’ve been using that as a way to both honor her and to embody the word. A lot of people now refer to me as Amused, but is that really me? I feel as though Amused is a part of me that gives me tremendous purpose and strength. But every so often, I wonder if I’m even allowed to feel that or if I’m even worthy. I didn’t exactly get her permission or blessing.

And I’ve lived so much of my life defined by the person I was enamored with at the time. It feels odd having that headspace just vacant. There’s no one I’m pining over right now. There actually doesn’t seem to be anybody I’d want to fill that position with. And even if I did, I’d literally have no time to spend with them. I barely have any time for myself. Maybe I am working too hard. Funny thing is, if I quit my job, I’d probably end up working even harder. I’ve got so much I want to accomplish.

Maybe that’s the real me? The one who wants to leave his mark on the world… the one who wants to see a change.

Now that I’m writing that and defining it, I’m positive that that’s me. And these other identities I’ve picked up along the way … they only support and further my cause. They encourage and bolster who I am.

I am a musician. I am a Go player. I am a formerly selectively mute individual. I am Korean, and I am American. I am Amused.

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