Twice Shy
January 7, 2009
I feel so disconnected from the world, and it seems like every time I try to connect, I end up hurting myself somehow. Vanderbilt looks like it might be high school all over again. I was there for just a day, and I can already tell how much drama is in store for me if I get in. This could very much be a sign that I shouldn’t hope to go here and that I’m best off as far away from Nell as I can physically get. But instead of following my intuition like a smart person would, for some reason I find myself drawn to it even more as if I’m daring Death to finish the job.
I can’t keep her out of my dreams; I can barely keep her out of my thoughts. Why do I keep torturing myself?
March 28, 2009
Nell’s birthday again. I’m going to apply to UHM. I’m a lot better off now than a few months ago, but it still feels like I’m missing something… like my life is empty without any responsibilities. At least I have a definite plan now. I’ll have to settle for the boring, normal life.
Nell went to Vanderbilt. I applied there to try to be closer to her. By this point the thought of her was causing more pain than pleasure, yet I was clearly addicted. I wanted to see if I could even be accepted by normal colleges. Even if I did (they said no), I probably would have backed out because of the huge monetary cost. There was even a fee just to send your application, so I only applied to two or three places.
My friend Leah went to a school in Hawaii, and she made it seem like paradise. I also applied to a community college in the city. It was much cheaper, and it would give me something to do instead of moping around at home. There was no accepting or rejecting at community college; anyone could go there, but I couldn’t afford the tuition. So I had to ask my parents for some financial help.
My parents and I barely spoke at home. I’d always felt we were separate islands who happened to live in the same space. Even though they had a difficult time showing affection or interacting, they wanted to help me. And the easiest way for them to do that was with money.
Asking them for help was incredibly difficult. It was hard to even get the words out. But I gave them a way to help, and I felt like the 1,200 dollars for tuition wasn’t asking much compared to a bigger school like Vanderbilt. Still, I was grateful for what I got.