Aug 29, 2021
It’s a strange feeling not having a girl that I’m thinking about 24/7. I’ve spent so much of my life just automatically defaulting to thinking about Nell (or more recently Siobhan). I feel calmer, yet uncertain, like wearing a new pair of shoes. It feels nice, but it takes some getting used to.
It seems like everybody’s addicted to something, whether they realize it or not… video games, sugar, negativity, actual drugs, stimulation, artificial light, work. They all seem to be feeding into each other and making things worse, so that we’re trying to superficially remedy the effects of one addiction with something else that’s just as ineffectual.
I have to detox, but that’s no such an easy thing in a modern world. I’m sure the cure is love and the support and encouragement of a community. The next step is to create that for myself and for anyone else who may need it.
I had a dream where I was back in high school. Nell was at her locker with another guy, and I felt sad, inadequate, and envious… a shadow of the emotions I used to feel. Maybe I still feel that way unconsciously, but it’s only a small compartment of my mind that I keep behind a closed door. Not even locked. It comes out occasionally like an old acquaintance wanting to catch up. And we do, and then I wake up.
It feels wrong chasing women now. There’s that initial screening of “is this person right for me” and “am I right for this person.” I’m such a different human being. I probably wouldn’t live up to anyone’s expectations. Women expect men to be and act a certain way. I’ve spent my life trying to learn how to be myself… and myself is pretty weird. Charming, loving, and kind… yep, pretty weird by today’s standards.
I’m building a life now. If I build it, the women I’m compatible with will naturally gravitate towards me. I’d like somebody strong and intelligent. Beautiful and capable. Loving and independent. “We can love only in proportion to our capacity for independence.” Somebody like that may be one in a million. In that case, I’ll just have to shine my light in the sky and let her (and my tribe) come find me.