Jan 2, 2022
I feel calm.
It could be that I’ve gotten lax and complacent with my life here in California. After all, it’s been a while since I’ve made any major life decisions. Maybe it’s time for something crazy. I’ve felt that for the past few years I’ve been biding my time. Preparing for something.
I’ve just forgotten what it is. I think that’s one of the reasons why I keep writing these entries… to realign and remind myself exactly where it is I’m going, keeping myself on the road I want to be on.
A new year can do these things to you.. well, to the self reflective ones among us, anyway.
There’s nothing really tying me down anywhere. Siobhan doesn’t work at the coffee shop anymore. My break-up with Elizabeth was ages ago.. over it. Nell’s turning 32 in a few months. She’s settled, married, and happy. That ship set sail long ago as well. In the last dream I had about her, I wasn’t panicked as I usually am. I felt relaxed as I faced her.
I wrote ages ago that when we met again, it would be as equals… that I wouldn’t flinch or be overtaken by the intensity of emotions she stirs within me. I think the reason I felt so calm is because I can see the day when my wits and my fortitudes will finally be able to conquer the demons from my past.
I spoke to her like an old friend, didn’t tremble under the pressure of her gaze, and felt some peace.
Maybe it’s my confidence that’s growing.
As I climb higher and higher up the mountain, my heart sighs in relief as I near the peak. From the bottom, it seems like an impossible task even Hercules himself wouldn’t be able to overcome. When the top of the mountain is so far away and the path is riddled with the swampy mires of self-doubt and the fires of self-hate, hope cowers and recedes into a sack of insignificance.
But now, with the peak in view, I wonder what’s awaiting my arrival. It should scare me, since I don’t know what it could be. However, the battles I endured have taken a scared boy and forged him into a self-assured man, powerful and daring.
And so I say with sword unsheathed, to whatever challenges still lie between me and the zenith of my life, bring it on.