I didn’t have a car in Austin, so I got to know the bus system pretty well. In the first few days and weeks, my time was spent on buses walking to and from jobs openings that I found on Craigslist at the library computers. I didn’t have a cell phone either, so I would arrive at each potential job in person, hoping to get lucky and get an on the spot interview. Most places wanted me to fill out an application or online form in addition to a resume. I didn’t have a resume either.
Actually, there were many things I didn’t have — a resume, a phone number, a home address, personal transportation, experience, work history, and references. These were all things I felt were irrelevant to real job performance. What I had was work ethic, reliability, talent, eagerness, honesty, and integrity. Nobody would take a chance on me because I didn’t have basic information, which I couldn’t get without earning some money. It was a world I couldn’t penetrate, and I felt bitter toward those who took what they had for granted.
June 28, 2008
It’s so much better this time around, but life still sucks ass here. I’ve been too busy to think about much, and I have been so busy doing absolutely nothing. I literally spend half a day travelling and finding out it was for nothing that I traveled at all, except to waste time. I’ve remembered to keep my lips moist so they don’t dry out this time, but my feet are starting to hurt again. I still can’t get a job, but as soon as I do I’m going to start working out at the gym, and I’m going to learn how to fight. And I’m going to learn how to talk.
There are so many beautiful girls here. I noticed last time too. Maybe it’s because I’m out more, but it’s healthy for someone like me to be around it all. My rationale is that if I see enough drop-dead gorgeous women, I’ll start to get bored of them, and then they’ll have no power over me at all. As far as my gay tendencies go. I think I’m done with it. Well… maybe I’ll give it a few days to know for sure, but I have this feeling… I honestly think that once I dispel my insecurities, I will no longer be controlled by my desire to be loved. Being liked is enough I guess.
Hmm… Nell? I don’t know. Yes, I still think about her constantly, on accident sometimes. I miss her. I shouldn’t be confessing these things. Do I love her? Who knows? Who the fuck knows? I’m not sure about a lot of things… shit confuses me… but the one thing I’m absolutely positive about is Nell. (However, I’m insecure enough not to trust myself.)
I desperately looked everywhere for a practical solution to get over Nell. She was like an addiction that I logically knew was bad for me, but I still had to get my fix in order to get through the day. My obsession with her took over my life when I was most susceptible. I was doubtful of my future, questioned my purpose in life, and had no clue who I was.
I didn’t want her to have so much power over my mind, nor did I want to be controlled by my sex drive. I wanted to gain control of my own thoughts and also for the first time have some control over my own life. But I had very little idea how to do this or where to start.