However, before I could get up and start running, I had to break the chains around my legs. I had a little bit of a false start on this day, but if I wanted to do it right, I had to settle these issues in my mind once and for all.
January 14, 2016
I want my best friend back.
I want Elizabeth to talk to me.
I don’t understand why she won’t.
I’m sad and confused by it.
I know I have an independent streak. But it’s hard sometimes.
You fear the darkness, so you conquer it, and live inside it. But you find after a while you’ve become just as afraid of leaving the darkness as you were of entering it. And what you wanted to conquer wasn’t the darkness… it was the fear.
I’m growing without her. I’m better off without her. I know that. I also know that a relationship would stunt my growth. So I’ll keep fighting.
The most idiotic thing is that even though I know how great my life can become without her, I would throw everything away right now to spend the rest of my life with Elizabeth… my ex.
But Nell is my ideal. She is God to me. Blasphemy? Yeah, I have a problem. I need to deal with that. Is what I’m feeling for Elizabeth what they call settling? Am I becoming a cliché? The brain says, “Yes, of course you’re being an idiot. Stop!”
I was nearly free from the shackles. What I needed was just one final, singular all out strike of the mighty pen.