This journal entry describes how I lost my virginity.
I’d always had a bit of a sexual mind. At a very early age, around 3 or 4, I’d often sleep in a blanket on the floor. I remember I would like it when my pelvis would grind against the carpeted floor. I orgasmed many times from doing this and was very ashamed of myself every time I went to hump the floor when I was alone, but it wasn’t until I started puberty that I discovered a white liquidy substance that wasn’t there before. The first time I noticed it, I thought that I had somehow transformed into a cow or had unknowingly always been part cow, and I’d milked myself.
My imagination didn’t involve actual sex until I discovered porn when I was around 9, but up until then I knew what kissing was. For example, I’d make a daring rescue to save a damsel in distress. She would then realize she loved me, and we would have a passionate kiss.
Being with another man didn’t seem very appealing when I was young though. I couldn’t get past the hairy chests. It was nothing — even gross —compared to the soft, sensual, wonderful femininity of girls. It was only when I was already in my early teens, as my issues were becoming more ingrained, that the thought of being with a man seemed like an idea worth having. I wanted to be wanted on a very primal level. I knew what that felt like because I understood desire… a single focus which to me was so strong that it pierced through all preconceptions and prejudices.
For anyone to feel that for me would be a sweet release, if even just for a moment. I’d be able to let go of the burden and fears of rejection and abandonment, and wade into the free, open airs where I didn’t have to feel unattractive or insecure anymore.
I had a pattern of idolizing women who were out of my reach, and blamed myself for not measuring up. I wanted what I couldn’t have. Most of the time that was Nell. Compared to all that, being with a man who was just as eager to be with me seemed so much easier. So much so that I eagerly chased the first man who showed an interest in me.
March 28, 2008
It’s Nell’s birthday today. I hope I get to talk to her.
The jam on Wednesday was just the opposite as the one on Sunday. I was on fire that night, and it showed in my playing. They thought I was just some kid at first, but they said they liked what they heard.
Stormy Monday was first, then a bunch of songs I didn’t know, but it looked like I did. Then finished with Have You Ever Loved A Woman and Crossroads. I loved it, and it was the best I felt since I got to Austin.
But that same night I got locked out of the hostel and had to sleep outside on a bench. It wasn’t all bad because someone covered me up in the middle of the night. They found I was there without paying and kicked me out the next day.
I told this guy I’d meet him at the bus stop. His name is Gaspard. I met him on Wednesday and ended up with me and him groping in the bathroom of a hamburger shop.
It all started out at that same bus stop. I got on the bus and sat next to the window. A big, well-built guy maybe in his late 30s came and sat next to me. A few seconds after the bus started moving, he slid his hand in the pocket of his sweatpants and started jacking off next to me while touching my thigh. I responded positively, and in hopes of finding a place for the night, I set up another date.
Yesterday, I waited for him with all my belongings. He came, and we took another bus toward the cheap motel where he lived.
Well, last night he wouldn’t stop touching me, and we fucked all night. In the middle of it, he started crying and telling me his life story too. I had a hard time reaching climax. I don’t know what that means, but I did orgasm twice in the morning when I had my eyes closed. Maybe I’m not as gay as I thought? Not 75% straight, 25% gay… more like 93% and 7%. I just want to go home and see Nell again.
P.S.
Oh about Gaspard he’s 37 years old, has a 14 year old son, spent 13 years on death row (I don’t know what for), and he fell completely in love with me. The reason I left was partly because I didn’t want to lead him on or break his heart. I could see my own feelings for Nell reflected in his feelings for me, and I pulled out before I got in any deeper than I already was. And now he’s out there continuing to live his life as a construction worker because he is a third generation bricklayer who is definitely built for it.
When I looked at him the next morning, I searched within myself for something… something that told me that what I was doing felt right. I couldn’t find anything. It didn’t matter if it had been a man or a woman, I didn’t have any real feelings for this person. I felt like I was just someone else coming to their senses after a regrettable night.
I saw that he cared about me (or the person he thought I was after having known me for only a short time), and I felt a little sad that I couldn’t reciprocate. It was then that I realized maybe this was how Nell felt towards me — an unrequited love. I didn’t let this epiphany deter me. Instead, I felt even closer to her somehow, pretending I knew how she felt.