March 28, 2024 Last year, I wrote about who I was and who I chose to be. I seemed very self-assured. But lately, I’ve been wondering … questioning my identity. My past self said we are who we are because of every choice we’ve made up to this point. Now I’m wondering if I ever had the free will to make those choices in the first place. I’ve been beginning to think about my genes, my heritage and my blood. I’ve visited Korea twice, neither of which I have any memories of… once when I was a toddler, and again just before I started fifth grade. I wouldn’t have had…

March 28, 2023 I once wrote down all the names of my friends on a family tree. They took the place of my biological family, the adage “you choose your family” at the forefront of my mind. One of my friends once said he surprisingly had a lot of friends for someone who said so little. I guess that applies to me too. I don’t know why or how… at some point I discovered people don’t mind me. I have some people I can call on for support… something I lacked all those years ago. But, do they really know me? Can you hide what you truly feel and still…

July 10, 2022 While Odysseus was away, his wife faced an onslaught of suitors wanting to take his place, and his son Telemachus was placed under the guidance of a man named Mentor. Mentor was a bumbling fool, so Athena, the Goddess of Wisdom, disguised as Mentor, advised Telemachus to kill all of the suitors. He did, and he was able to retain the power of the throne. Not exactly a story that inspires confidence. Athena’s advice is supposed to represent a victory over the weakness of Mentor, but is it really? It sounds like a cautionary tale against blindly following the advice of those with undisclosed motives. What exactly…

March 28, 2022 Anger I don’t do well with it. Some people feel and express it freely, getting over it just as quickly as it came. I can’t do that. If I’m angry, it’s because I’m gridlocked with no other emotional options, and I dwell on it. I suppose by that point, you could say the battle’s already been lost. My mother was always mad at me for something. Always disappointed. Nights sitting at the piano in tears because I wasn’t good enough. Criticizing the things I did, dressed, and looked. Cutting me down when my stalk grew too high. Suffocating the roots of my imagination. I don’t even remember…

Jan 2, 2022 I feel calm. It could be that I’ve gotten lax and complacent with my life here in California. After all, it’s been a while since I’ve made any major life decisions. Maybe it’s time for something crazy. I’ve felt that for the past few years I’ve been biding my time. Preparing for something. I’ve just forgotten what it is. I think that’s one of the reasons why I keep writing these entries… to realign and remind myself exactly where it is I’m going, keeping myself on the road I want to be on. A new year can do these things to you.. well, to the self reflective…

Oct 10, 2021 They say the extraordinarily attractive daylily flower blooms early in the morning, only to wither and die the following night. That means if you expect that beauty to last, you’re in for a big disappointment. A lot of things in life follow that metaphor. People choose romantic partners, food, music, and even what they desire or aspire to be based on how attractive they are in the moment.  When I was a kid, I sat in school listening to everyone else, my peers, talking and laughing all around me. I often wouldn’t be able to make out what they were saying if there were too many conversations…

Aug 29, 2021 It’s a strange feeling not having a girl that I’m thinking about 24/7. I’ve spent so much of my life just automatically defaulting to thinking about Nell (or more recently Siobhan). I feel calmer, yet uncertain, like wearing a new pair of shoes. It feels nice, but it takes some getting used to. It seems like everybody’s addicted to something, whether they realize it or not… video games, sugar, negativity, actual drugs, stimulation, artificial light, work. They all seem to be feeding into each other and making things worse, so that we’re trying to superficially remedy the effects of one addiction with something else that’s just as…

April 4, 2021 I’m scared of everything. When I feel it, I get angry at myself for being powerless to break free of the pool of paralysis I find myself trapped in.  I’m scared to approach women.  I’m scared of it going wrong.  I’m scared of it going right. I’m scared that if things go too well with someone I’m not entirely head over heels for, I’m going to have to break their heart down the line like I did to Elizabeth.  I’m scared that if I get the butterflies for someone, they’re going to reject me like Nell and Siobhan did.  I’m scared I’m never going to get such…

April 4, 2021 It’s been about a month and a half since it happened. The fire alarm rang at one in the morning. Annoyance turned into concern as commotion erupted in the apartment building. Concern turned into groggy focus as I sharpened my blunt mind, wits slowly returning like a bee blundering free from a batch of sticky batter.  I made the first tough decision to put on some clothes before escaping. Better to risk only a chance of dying, rather than the certainty of dying of embarrassment. Besides, nothing seemed to be collapsing around me. Jeans, shirt, socks, jacket, shoes. I was finally outside.  “There’s a fire on the…

March 28, 2021 Happy birthday, to my old friend.  I’ve made some good ones over the years. Kindred spirits. People who get you.  You treasure each and every one. A friend can part ways with you, and then years later reconnect as warmly as if it had only been a moment.  If you’re lucky in this life, you’ll have a friend or two. Most people realize how hard it can be to maintain a romantic relationship. Almost nobody ever mentions how much goes into maintaining a friendship. It’s selfless, and you can’t ever take it for granted.  Hopefully, one day my romantic relationship will also be a powerful friendship.  I…