March 28, 2019 I wish I could call you and tell you happy birthday, but that would be weird, wouldn’t it? First there would be the awkward, “Who is this?” “It’s me, Seth,” I’d say… “the boy who was hopelessly in love with you, irrespective of the entropic properties of both time and space, and to you is now likely just a pesky echo from the past.” “Oh, how are you?” you’d reply, with an air of indifference. “I don’t know how I am” Honestly, I don’t. I’m not any closer to being worthy of you. I’m still shy. My social skills can still only be described as stilted and…

September 3, 2018 I’m close. I’m so close. The album is literally days from being mastered and completed. The artwork is coming together. The website is functioning. It’s so close. I’m on the cusp of finishing. I feel great. I’ve made friends along the way. In fact, I don’t think I’ve had this many friends at any point in my life before. I feel blessed, and I don’t want to let any of them down. I’m pretty content. I’m 28. I have a relatively stable and normal life with a great boss. I’m paying off a huge bill for some Invisalign braces, which is a bummer. I had to sing…

July 26, 2018 I just woke up from a dream I had. It’s similar to the ones I’ve had before. Elizabeth and I both went to jail (or some weird version of jail with an airport and restaurants). She wouldn’t talk to me or acknowledge me in any way, although I earnestly spoke to her and pleaded for her to listen. It wasn’t out of desperation. In fact, this is the same sort of dream I used to have with Nell where she would ignore me, except those dreams physically wrenched my guts and put me in a cold sweat. This particular dream wasn’t so impassioned, but when she did…

May 30, 2018 I have eleven out of my twelve songs just about ready. It has been a long journey to this point. Maybe I’m reminiscing prematurely because there’s still a ways to go, even after I finish the last one. And I’ve had some positive feedback, but I still have no real idea of how it’ll be received. I’m already thinking of my next album though, and how different I want it to sound.  It’s funny, I always thought that once I finished this, everyone could see how great I was, and they’d give me a chance to prove myself. It’s not even enough to finish the album. That’s…

March 28, 2018 It’s Nell’s birthday. The morning started predictably. A dream / nightmare where she and her beau came to visit me at my house. I couldn’t face her. I locked myself in my room and threw up. It sickened me how I was failing at life, how I wanted to be somebody by now, but I’m not. I’m still “a work in progress”… just unrealized potential. Unless you’ve already made it, you’re still just a loser. It doesn’t matter if you’re gonna make it ten years from now. In this moment, you’re a fucking nobody. Everything around me in the dream was a reminder of how ashamed I…

September 13, 2017 It’s the title to one of Mark Knopfler’s songs. It tells a tale of a man who’s conquered the world, ascended to the realm of gods, and is destined to be known throughout history. Yet he sits from somewhere up above with the lights of Taormina before him, dwelling on the regrets of his youth, when life, love, and laughter meant everything.  A similar song Silver Eagle, hits home for me. A star on a tour bus drives by the home of a girl from his past. The price of moving forward is all the people you have to leave behind.  My problem is that no matter…

September 6, 2017 All the music that’s coming out of me sounds dated and slow compared to everything that’s out there in the pop world right now. I’m writing about things that matter to me, that I want to write. But I’m just different… people wouldn’t understand me because there’s nobody else like me. Literally, nobody. Yet somehow, I hear this calling to share what I’m feeling with the world. To tell anyone out there who feels the same way that they aren’t alone. I can help them heal. They need me. I want somebody to love. Whoever it ends up being, I’m going to care about them so much……

July 7, 2017 I’m scared. I guess I always have been. My entire life has been driven by fear. Anxiety from speaking. Worrying about the future. About what others think. When I write or record, I have the power to check what I’m saying, go back and rewrite if I like, erase things… and so that alleviates some of the stress. Even if I can get to the point where I’m satisfied with what I create, there remains the nagging feeling that compared to everything else, I’m still just ordinarily ignorable. I’m a perfectionist. I haven’t decided if it’s healthy or not. For now it’s both good and bad. Good for…

May 17, 2017 They say that sometimes a dream is a manifestation of your worst fears – your brain subconsciously simulating and preparing the worst case scenarios as a sort of mental training ring for your life. Other times, a dream is a wish your heart makes (Cinderella). Some people have big dreams… dreams bigger than themselves… dreams that one day, people will look past race and skin color, and hate each other for deeper, personal, more genuine reasons. Or love each other… some people dream about that too (Martin Luther King). Some people have wet dreams (me sometimes). Some dreams are strictly nationalistic. It’s called the American dream because…

April 9, 2017 Nell’s birthday came and went without a journal entry. I meant to write one, but I got too busy. I’ve been playing at open mics. The reactions have been okay. People tell me how great I am, but then they say the exact same thing to the next chump who goes up. They aren’t even that great, yet they have more fans than I do. I wish people would fawn over me, or at least really want to be my friend. I’m disappointed when I perform and jealous of others when they perform. It makes me want to do better, so that’s a plus. Elizabeth is with…