May 30, 2018 I have eleven out of my twelve songs just about ready. It has been a long journey to this point. Maybe I’m reminiscing prematurely because there’s still a ways to go, even after I finish the last one. And I’ve had some positive feedback, but I still have no real idea of how it’ll be received. I’m already thinking of my next album though, and how different I want it to sound.  It’s funny, I always thought that once I finished this, everyone could see how great I was, and they’d give me a chance to prove myself. It’s not even enough to finish the album. That’s…

March 28, 2018 It’s Nell’s birthday. The morning started predictably. A dream / nightmare where she and her beau came to visit me at my house. I couldn’t face her. I locked myself in my room and threw up. It sickened me how I was failing at life, how I wanted to be somebody by now, but I’m not. I’m still “a work in progress”… just unrealized potential. Unless you’ve already made it, you’re still just a loser. It doesn’t matter if you’re gonna make it ten years from now. In this moment, you’re a fucking nobody. Everything around me in the dream was a reminder of how ashamed I…

September 13, 2017 It’s the title to one of Mark Knopfler’s songs. It tells a tale of a man who’s conquered the world, ascended to the realm of gods, and is destined to be known throughout history. Yet he sits from somewhere up above with the lights of Taormina before him, dwelling on the regrets of his youth, when life, love, and laughter meant everything.  A similar song Silver Eagle, hits home for me. A star on a tour bus drives by the home of a girl from his past. The price of moving forward is all the people you have to leave behind.  My problem is that no matter…

September 6, 2017 All the music that’s coming out of me sounds dated and slow compared to everything that’s out there in the pop world right now. I’m writing about things that matter to me, that I want to write. But I’m just different… people wouldn’t understand me because there’s nobody else like me. Literally, nobody. Yet somehow, I hear this calling to share what I’m feeling with the world. To tell anyone out there who feels the same way that they aren’t alone. I can help them heal. They need me. I want somebody to love. Whoever it ends up being, I’m going to care about them so much……

July 7, 2017 I’m scared. I guess I always have been. My entire life has been driven by fear. Anxiety from speaking. Worrying about the future. About what others think. When I write or record, I have the power to check what I’m saying, go back and rewrite if I like, erase things… and so that alleviates some of the stress. Even if I can get to the point where I’m satisfied with what I create, there remains the nagging feeling that compared to everything else, I’m still just ordinarily ignorable. I’m a perfectionist. I haven’t decided if it’s healthy or not. For now it’s both good and bad. Good for…

May 17, 2017 They say that sometimes a dream is a manifestation of your worst fears – your brain subconsciously simulating and preparing the worst case scenarios as a sort of mental training ring for your life. Other times, a dream is a wish your heart makes (Cinderella). Some people have big dreams… dreams bigger than themselves… dreams that one day, people will look past race and skin color, and hate each other for deeper, personal, more genuine reasons. Or love each other… some people dream about that too (Martin Luther King). Some people have wet dreams (me sometimes). Some dreams are strictly nationalistic. It’s called the American dream because…

April 9, 2017 Nell’s birthday came and went without a journal entry. I meant to write one, but I got too busy. I’ve been playing at open mics. The reactions have been okay. People tell me how great I am, but then they say the exact same thing to the next chump who goes up. They aren’t even that great, yet they have more fans than I do. I wish people would fawn over me, or at least really want to be my friend. I’m disappointed when I perform and jealous of others when they perform. It makes me want to do better, so that’s a plus. Elizabeth is with…

February 12, 2017 After I sent her that message last week, Elizabeth made a post on a reddit page. She wrote “it’s over” in capital letters. Maybe it wasn’t directed to me exactly, but I’ll take it as a hint. Fine. I felt my brain sever that tie. I officially don’t care about that relationship anymore. My confidence in my music is at an all time low. I’m filled with doubt and regret. It may be because I am sick. I have a really bad migraine and a sore throat. But if I don’t have my music what’s the point? I’m going to finish my album no matter what, even…

February 6, 2017 This morning I wrote to Elizabeth admitting I loved her. I told her that trying to reach out to her was like yelling into a black hole. I keep expecting an echo, but I’m a fool to expect anything to come back. I’d stand there and proclaim my love a million times anyway. I can’t help myself. When I feel intense emotions I sometimes do things I regret. Remember this day, journal. Today Nell put up a picture of the two of them in love. It’s their wedding anniversary. I don’t care about the Super Bowl, which was yesterday. For normal people that’s the day they let…

November 27, 2016 The last time I checked Nell’s Instagram was about… 2 seconds ago. She has some pictures of her and her husband up. Domestic bliss must feel amazing. She’s in this gorgeous beige/off-white light-golden dress surrounded by European architecture and landscaping, looking deep into her lover’s eyes in every photo. I used to wish that was me. And even now, I wonder if it could be me right now. Given the chance, I would take it and be happy for the rest of my life. But it’s not me. They got married at the beginning of this year, a few months after Elizabeth and I broke up. That was…