February 12, 2017 After I sent her that message last week, Elizabeth made a post on a reddit page. She wrote “it’s over” in capital letters. Maybe it wasn’t directed to me exactly, but I’ll take it as a hint. Fine. I felt my brain sever that tie. I officially don’t care about that relationship anymore. My confidence in my music is at an all time low. I’m filled with doubt and regret. It may be because I am sick. I have a really bad migraine and a sore throat. But if I don’t have my music what’s the point? I’m going to finish my album no matter what, even…

February 6, 2017 This morning I wrote to Elizabeth admitting I loved her. I told her that trying to reach out to her was like yelling into a black hole. I keep expecting an echo, but I’m a fool to expect anything to come back. I’d stand there and proclaim my love a million times anyway. I can’t help myself. When I feel intense emotions I sometimes do things I regret. Remember this day, journal. Today Nell put up a picture of the two of them in love. It’s their wedding anniversary. I don’t care about the Super Bowl, which was yesterday. For normal people that’s the day they let…

November 27, 2016 The last time I checked Nell’s Instagram was about… 2 seconds ago. She has some pictures of her and her husband up. Domestic bliss must feel amazing. She’s in this gorgeous beige/off-white light-golden dress surrounded by European architecture and landscaping, looking deep into her lover’s eyes in every photo. I used to wish that was me. And even now, I wonder if it could be me right now. Given the chance, I would take it and be happy for the rest of my life. But it’s not me. They got married at the beginning of this year, a few months after Elizabeth and I broke up. That was…

October 16, 2016 Elizabeth, I think about you every day. It was easy for about the first week. I thought that was what I wanted. Our relationship seemed more like a burden to me than a gift, and I selfishly wanted out. You did too, but for reasons I can only guess. Your parents, for one. Two, you were thinking about breaking up even before I moved, you said. You felt like we were drifting apart. It wasn’t a complete accident. I’d given my heart away a long time ago to someone else. I never had the courage to tell you that because I was afraid it would hurt you beyond…

January 26, 2016 Nell, I have some things I need to tell you. We haven’t spoken in a while. You knew me at my weakest, when I was like a budding seed surrounded by the harshness of winter. Like a beam of sunlight, you inspired me to grow and blossom into something stronger. Although I can support myself by my own roots now, I continue to cherish what you mean to me. And like the sunlight changes its intensity with the passing seasons, I know you, too, must change. We are dynamic human beings, and must never stagnate. You may grow… a little or a lot. But no matter who you…

However, before I could get up and start running, I had to break the chains around my legs. I had a little bit of a false start on this day, but if I wanted to do it right, I had to settle these issues in my mind once and for all. January 14, 2016 I want my best friend back. I want Elizabeth to talk to me. I don’t understand why she won’t. I’m sad and confused by it. I know I have an independent streak. But it’s hard sometimes. You fear the darkness, so you conquer it, and live inside it. But you find after a while you’ve become…

December 18, 2015 Nell is engaged. I’m being a pussy. I’m not being real. I need to cut out the bullshit in my life. Fuck people’s feelings. This is my life. Cut the bullshit, focus on what matters. I gave church a chance… against my better judgment. It ends. Seek pleasure, avoid pain. This is what people naturally do. I’m being challenged by fear. I feel it. I have the chance to fight it, and I’m a pussy for not drawing my sword. Instead I search for a place to hide. To avoid embarrassment. Halfway through an immersion in fear, I feel the grip of the chains shackling me. But…

July 27, 2015 Do you believe someone can be truly happy despite all the sadness they hide, bottled up inside? I’ve been single for over a week now. Elizabeth broke up with me. I was too scared to get close to her. I thought if I put all of my love and trust in her, it would mean I was closing the door to you forever. I don’t have the courage to do that. And now I’ve lost the one person who was always there for me no matter what. There was a part of me that I never let her see. It’s the part I keep for you. And she…

In January of 2015, the move finally happened. I packed up my life in Nashville, leaving behind everything I knew was holding me back. Elizabeth was worried sick about my future, as were my parents. I wanted a clean break, but they talked me into taking the car and some money. This was my second escape since Austin. I was a little more mature than the first time, just as desperate, yet a lot more faithful that somehow everything would be okay. I met with a guy from Craigslist who wanted a ride out to Arizona, and we planned to pick up someone else along the way to share gas…

August 10, 2011 London is burning. Townspeople are banding together to drive out hooligans. It’s madness. It sounds like a period movie about ancient times, but it’s now. I wish Superman was real. Batman could put out these fires with his plane. Brave Buddies is starting again soon. I’m nervous and excited. I watched myself in my intro video. I need to work on talking proper. This 18 year old kid who lives in Texas is in the same situation I was when I was 18. He wants to run away so that it’ll be easier to talk. I don’t know… maybe that’s what he needs. I’m terrible at giving…