July 4, 2008 I remember two summers ago, watching fireworks out on the fields… the band playing in the background… balloons, sweets, sno-cones, walking with Nell. Being alone on holidays sucks. Being alone sucks, period. Still can’t get a job. Found a place to stay, though only for a month. It’s been an interesting week. Sunday I went to see about a house for 500 a month, and everything was cool that night. On the way back to the co-op (20 dollars for a cupboard) it started pouring down, and I had to walk a few miles in the rain. It kept following me just like my bad luck. But…

I didn’t have a car in Austin, so I got to know the bus system pretty well. In the first few days and weeks, my time was spent on buses walking to and from jobs openings that I found on Craigslist at the library computers. I didn’t have a cell phone either, so I would arrive at each potential job in person, hoping to get lucky and get an on the spot interview. Most places wanted me to fill out an application or online form in addition to a resume. I didn’t have a resume either. Actually, there were many things I didn’t have — a resume, a phone number,…

Insomnia was hard for me to handle. I’d first try to go to sleep, then think about Nell, then feel terribly sad, then snap myself out of it by getting up and walking around, and finally try to fall asleep again. I couldn’t control or calm my own mind, and I would do this many times during the night over and over again until I was too tired to think anymore. Eventually, I started taking pills to help me sleep. Typically, two would be sufficient to help me drift off. On this night, I was feeling horrible enough from depression to take the rest of the pills in the bottle…

A bit traumatized by what happened with Gaspard, I took a bus back home from Austin after spending about a week there. When I returned, my parents didn’t ask too many questions. They said they were worried about me, but atmosphere quickly reverted back to one of disconnectedness. There were only a few months left of high school, and I had a lot of trouble focusing on schoolwork. I was in a state of constant depression and couldn’t seem to pull myself out of it. I didn’t have any close friends at school, whereas everyone else had been through so much together by the time senior year came around. I…

This journal entry describes how I lost my virginity. I’d always had a bit of a sexual mind. At a very early age, around 3 or 4, I’d often sleep in a blanket on the floor. I remember I would like it when my pelvis would grind against the carpeted floor. I orgasmed many times from doing this and was very ashamed of myself every time I went to hump the floor when I was alone, but it wasn’t until I started puberty that I discovered a white liquidy substance that wasn’t there before. The first time I noticed it, I thought that I had somehow transformed into a cow or…

March 22, 2008 Second day was just as odd as the first. May’s roommate had a problem with me. So I was kicked out of her house in the morning, and I ended up in a hostel for $25. As soon as I got a room though I set out for downtown again. It was about the same distance of a walk, but this time I had my guitar with me. It was really hot out. None of the clubs were even open, so I went to the farmers market, then asked around for job applications. No one wants to hire a high school dropout who has no previous work experience.…

Besides buying the bus ticket and taking a cab to the bus station, I had absolutely no plan of action. I knew that if I spent too long planning and calculating, I would psych myself out and never go. So my plan was to have no plan at all and just do it. If all else failed, I would just sleep outside somewhere like the homeless. I was already in so much pain over my life and the fact that I couldn’t be with Nell. Compared to that, camping under a bridge seemed like a piece of cake. And if I ended up dead somehow, it would put me out of my…

February 14, 2008 Unlucky in love again. February 22, 2008 Nearly 3 weeks since I’ve talked to Nell. I’m nearly over her. Can’t help dreaming about her though… February 25, 2008 Sat next to her and had an anxiety attack. I’m not over her.  March 4, 2008 I’d become an alcoholic if I tried. I could be a druggie too. Now that I’m 18, I need to go live life. I’m a boy trying to play men’s music. I just need to live more. Plus, I need to get away from Nell. After I finished reading about Eric Clapton, I read several more biographies of my favorite musicians… George Harrison, Elton…

I kind of diss firemen and teachers in this entry. Both of these professions are by no means easy. In fact, any job that’s worth doing at all requires dedication, commitment, and a bit of your soul. I wanted to be famous like a rockstar. Or at least just make a living playing music that I love. I overheard my crush Jane on the bus in 9th grade discussing with her friend how guys who play guitar are hot. Therefore, I did the only logical thing and started learning how to play on my dad’s old classical guitar. I had played piano for years, so I picked up the basics of the…

I would call Nell on the phone frequently – at least once or twice a week, maybe more sometimes. We had short chats as well as conversations that would last hours. But she had a boyfriend who lived in another state, and also very clearly stated repeatedly she would never be with me… ever. I was incredibly distraught, hearing this from her over and over again. I clung to a small hope that maybe I could change her mind. Nothing else mattered, and I struggled to accept Nell’s lack of feelings for me. I fell more and more into a depression. Despite that, I still loved talking to her. When she answered…