September 3, 2008 I crossed paths with an old man carrying his groceries across the street yesterday. Ten seconds later I heard a car’s screeching tires, and I turn around to see what looked like a guy threw himself out of a car. It was the old man. He got hit. The medics and police came to help the blood-covered man and to clear up the mess he made with the car. At the time I was thinking how maybe I could have done something if I had left the house a bit later or walked slower. But I’m left unshaken. This is only what I see. What I don’t…

August 21, 2008 So two months later, I have a part-time, steady job, and I’m staying at a house with two roommates. George, the drunk, is outgoing, a social Darwinist, and talks about using women for sex when he’s not actually getting hammered. My other roommate, Jim, is a down-to-earth waiter at a Mexican restaurant who likes to get high and fuck also. The sorority job… every single girl is this stereotypical, high class, cheerleader / prom queen type, white, daughter of some well off Christian family. I’m sweeping and mopping floors, washing dishes, watering plants, and cleaning shit after these women. They’re filthy, dirty little girls… immature, sheepish, cult-like…

July 5, 2008 It took 3 hours to check my email. Fucking bus… I’m officially a slave to the system. Not capitalism. I’ve always been a part of that. I mean metro transit. But I guess they’re both the same thing. I’ve been rejected by both Walgreens and Jack-in-the-Box, but it’s okay because I got a reply from Nell! July 13, 2008 S.O.S. – same old shit. Still no job. I need a bag. And a car. Memo: don’t handle jalapeno seeds with bare hands. If that happens, don’t rub your eyes with fingers. July 17, 2008 This could either work out really well, or it could completely backfire on…

July 4, 2008 I remember two summers ago, watching fireworks out on the fields… the band playing in the background… balloons, sweets, sno-cones, walking with Nell. Being alone on holidays sucks. Being alone sucks, period. Still can’t get a job. Found a place to stay, though only for a month. It’s been an interesting week. Sunday I went to see about a house for 500 a month, and everything was cool that night. On the way back to the co-op (20 dollars for a cupboard) it started pouring down, and I had to walk a few miles in the rain. It kept following me just like my bad luck. But…

I didn’t have a car in Austin, so I got to know the bus system pretty well. In the first few days and weeks, my time was spent on buses walking to and from jobs openings that I found on Craigslist at the library computers. I didn’t have a cell phone either, so I would arrive at each potential job in person, hoping to get lucky and get an on the spot interview. Most places wanted me to fill out an application or online form in addition to a resume. I didn’t have a resume either. Actually, there were many things I didn’t have — a resume, a phone number,…

Insomnia was hard for me to handle. I’d first try to go to sleep, then think about Nell, then feel terribly sad, then snap myself out of it by getting up and walking around, and finally try to fall asleep again. I couldn’t control or calm my own mind, and I would do this many times during the night over and over again until I was too tired to think anymore. Eventually, I started taking pills to help me sleep. Typically, two would be sufficient to help me drift off. On this night, I was feeling horrible enough from depression to take the rest of the pills in the bottle…

A bit traumatized by what happened with Gaspard, I took a bus back home from Austin after spending about a week there. When I returned, my parents didn’t ask too many questions. They said they were worried about me, but atmosphere quickly reverted back to one of disconnectedness. There were only a few months left of high school, and I had a lot of trouble focusing on schoolwork. I was in a state of constant depression and couldn’t seem to pull myself out of it. I didn’t have any close friends at school, whereas everyone else had been through so much together by the time senior year came around. I…

This journal entry describes how I lost my virginity. I’d always had a bit of a sexual mind. At a very early age, around 3 or 4, I’d often sleep in a blanket on the floor. I remember I would like it when my pelvis would grind against the carpeted floor. I orgasmed many times from doing this and was very ashamed of myself every time I went to hump the floor when I was alone, but it wasn’t until I started puberty that I discovered a white liquidy substance that wasn’t there before. The first time I noticed it, I thought that I had somehow transformed into a cow or…

March 22, 2008 Second day was just as odd as the first. May’s roommate had a problem with me. So I was kicked out of her house in the morning, and I ended up in a hostel for $25. As soon as I got a room though I set out for downtown again. It was about the same distance of a walk, but this time I had my guitar with me. It was really hot out. None of the clubs were even open, so I went to the farmers market, then asked around for job applications. No one wants to hire a high school dropout who has no previous work experience.…

Besides buying the bus ticket and taking a cab to the bus station, I had absolutely no plan of action. I knew that if I spent too long planning and calculating, I would psych myself out and never go. So my plan was to have no plan at all and just do it. If all else failed, I would just sleep outside somewhere like the homeless. I was already in so much pain over my life and the fact that I couldn’t be with Nell. Compared to that, camping under a bridge seemed like a piece of cake. And if I ended up dead somehow, it would put me out of my…