I wrote this in the school auditorium. There were some kids being loud and obnoxious, and I was angry at myself that I couldn’t be a part of that sort of fun. At the time my disdain was mostly directed towards them. “Look at them, wasting their time acting like idiots,” I’d grumble in my head. But I also knew that the real reason I reacted the way I did was because of something which I lacked within myself. I was jealous that I couldn’t talk and express myself freely like they could, and I hated not being able to step up and take responsibility for my own happiness. When I noticed…

This was written only one day after the last entry. Nell isn’t her real name. I nicknamed her Nell after Eric Clapton’s nickname for Pattie. I remember getting a rush every time I said or heard her actual name. I continued referring to her as Nell for a handful of entries, thinking a pen name would make it feel more personal. As a bonus, it would conceal her true identity in case the journal ever fell into the wrong hands. I didn’t want to go to college. I was sure that what I wanted to learn – how to enjoy life, how to love, how to express my feelings – wasn’t being taught in…

January 21, 2008 She commands my every thought, even though I can’t have her. I believe it’s lust mixed with envy. I lust for her, not necessarily in a sexual way, and I envy those who are privileged enough to be around her. Right now my only desire is to be able to enjoy her company, although my anxieties and lack of social skills make it impossible for me to hold her attention long enough to do anything of the sort. It’s just so frustrating! I feel like I could give any loony a good whacking or smash my guitar up. She constantly rejects my affections for her, but how…