April 4, 2021
I’m scared of everything. When I feel it, I get angry at myself for being powerless to break free of the pool of paralysis I find myself trapped in.
I’m scared to approach women.
I’m scared of it going wrong.
I’m scared of it going right.
I’m scared that if things go too well with someone I’m not entirely head over heels for, I’m going to have to break their heart down the line like I did to Elizabeth.
I’m scared that if I get the butterflies for someone, they’re going to reject me like Nell and Siobhan did.
I’m scared I’m never going to get such a feeling about anyone again. A feeling that this person is just right for me. That feeling in the first few minutes of meeting someone, where you realize that every cell in your body is drawn to this other person. A feeling that everything just “makes sense,” where you put yourself in their shoes and just get an overwhelming sense of love and warmth. A piece of a perfect existence… heaven, Shangri-La, Elysium.
I’m scared that when I feel that again, I’ll freeze in place.
I’m scared I’ll fall silent like I have all my life.
I’m scared I’ll fail again.