July 10, 2011
I have a girlfriend now. She’s Elizabeth from the internet, and she lives inside my electric window box called a computer screen. She is actually from Orange County, CA like the show The O.C., and I went there in January. I got a plane ticket and a hotel room right outside of Disneyland… this really nice one with a radio beside the bed that played relaxing nature music (more like sounds / noises). We met in person for the first time at Disneyland with her parents, who watched us like hawks. First kiss in a Mickey Mouse Theater. It was nice.
I don’t know where this relationship is going. All we do is talk online at night on a chat machine. Every single night. Frankly, it’s become more of a chore than anything. I’m bored.
Selective Mutism Online, my website, is on the second page of Google, but I still feel like it’s missing something. It feels static and dead. I’ve talked to some great people. Someone who I really admire is Jan Taylor. I don’t know her that well yet, even though I read her book. We have loads in common as far as SM goes. My book has been put on hold. I’ve gotten over the first bit of my life, and I need to wrap up those loose ends and subplots, which I’ve yet to do in real life.
Smallville ended. South Park might end. And Good Eats. Why is everything ending? The last Harry Potter is coming out next weekend in theaters. Plus the world is ending next year. Crickey. It’s very convenient that the whole world suddenly stops just as China starts getting to be a real contender in the world. Then the U.S. might not be #1 anymore. Maybe #2 or even #3 behind India too. I reckon if anyone does end the world, it won’t be God or Lex Luthor (well maybe him), it’ll be old America, bombing the world out of spite. If we can’t be the most powerful country in the world, then nobody will! Something like that. China thinks they’re better than us, eh? Well, watch this! Boom.
I’m learning Go, the game, so that I’ll have a way to interact with other Asians, sort of how I got Madden to learn about football so I could talk about it. They’re both dumb. I did kung fu in 8th grade to get chummy with Jane. I’m an idiot. But kung fu is interesting anyway cause of Bruce Lee. He talks about emptying your mind. Just being. Real Taoist stuff. He calls it Wu-Wei or Wu-Hsin or something. Some people meditate to reach that state. In the mainstream it’s just called losing yourself, going on instinct. It’s the opposite of anxiety and inhibition.
Two lines left… I don’t allow myself to think of her since I’m with Elizabeth, but I’m still inspired by Nell.
I spent most nights chatting on an instant messenger with Elizabeth. We video called, watched movies together by syncing up the time stamps on the computer, and played games like online Tetris together. We would talk about everything, had “sexy time”, and frequently professed our love for each other.
I was the first to take the dive and take a plane out to see her for the first time. When I saw her in person, it was like finally getting the Christmas present you desperately wanted after 3 years of waiting, and then it turns out to be everything you ever dreamed of times a thousand. But the person giving you this fantastic present (her dad) is a scary ogre and hates your fucking guts. Not so much Shrek, more like the crow-faced witch who gave the poisoned apple to Snow White. Her parents didn’t like me even before the first time they saw me.
In the past, her dad had called me on the phone and asked for my driver’s license number. He was a retired police officer. I gave it to him after he assured me he couldn’t use it for any unsavory purposes. It was unnerving just talking to him on the phone.
Before Elizabeth and I could run off and be happy for the day, her dad took me aside and said, “Promise me you won’t have sex with her.” It was at that point I recognized an important decision to be made. I knew I should lie and just say okay. But logically, I knew it was a promise I couldn’t keep if I could help it. I thought, “Okay, I’ll just tell him the truth and he’ll at least respect me for my honesty.” I was absolutely wrong. On top of that, she was way hornier than I was, so if anything I thought he should re-evaluate who he believed the sexual predator actually was.
I looked straight at him and said, “No, I can’t promise that.” Bad call. Very bad, unbelievably stupid call. His expression changed from reasonable to actively-hateful-but-we’re-at-a-children’s-wonderland-so-I’m-trying-not-to-strangle-your-fucking-throat-in-front-of-Donald-fucking-Duck. Things went downhill from there with the parents. But my relationship with Elizabeth was magical and seemed to get better the more we saw each other. Much of our problems stemmed from her parents’ disapproval of me.
We spent the entire day at Disneyland holding hands with each other, taking pictures and just generally being cute together. I was determined to make our first kiss memorable. We went inside a dimly lit theater with a number of small screens showing old, historical Mickey Mouse cartoons. We sat down. I turned my head to look at her. She turned to look at me. And we both knew what we wanted. We leaned forward and our lips touched. Once we decided we liked it, we carried on, getting heavier and steamier while self-absorbed kids roamed about the room playing. We were two young lovers discovering ourselves and each other. It was incredibly hot.
Our passion for each other carried over to the bedroom. We didn’t have sex the first time we met that January. But when she visited me in Nashville a year later, it became no-holds-barred on what we could do to each other. I was her first lover. It felt amazing to finally fuck and release ourselves after years of waiting, and it only got better when I flew out to see her again the following year. We endured a lot of waiting, much more than the average couple would have tolerated. She visited me one more time, and it was wonderful. But we couldn’t keep flying out to see each other only once a year. So around when I was 25 (we’re fast forwarding a bit), I started planning a move to California to be with her.
After being together in person, the times we spent just chatting on the computer wasn’t the same. There was something missing. It was frustrating and “more of a chore” not being able to touch her. I slowly distanced myself emotionally to avoid the pain of wanting. It was for this reason I was desperate and eager to find a way to be with her, even if it meant losing her.
She was totally against me moving because I didn’t have a job lined up, and no place to stay either. It drove her crazy with worry. But I knew I had to do it. I couldn’t be myself at home due to my selective mutism. I hardly ever talked to my parents, and I hated being stuck in a room, feeling like my life was going nowhere. Already in my mid-twenties, I had no freedom, no job and no money. For me, the move was Austin all over again. But for her it was a risk that she didn’t support for every logical reason.
Of course it didn’t make any sense, but my heart was telling me I had to go. If she ended up breaking up with me over this move, I’d have a better chance of getting back together with her if I lived near her rather than if she broke up with me a thousand miles away. I just knew that staying home was getting me zero steps in the direction I wanted in life.
And the direction then was toward Elizabeth. But my feelings for Nell were like an immense dark cloud filled with flood-waters, unseen beyond the cozy umbrella of love Elizabeth and I created with each other. I figured if we built a large enough umbrella, it would completely block out any damage from overhead rain. What I overlooked was that when there’s a flood, your umbrella means shit.