Sep 29, 2019
I suppose in a sense, I’m “happy”. I’m free of my parents and family… I’m on my own with a place and a job… I’ve even made a few friends here and there. Of course, what’s missing is… Nell. Well, not exactly. Things have changed. Things are changing.
I used to daydream and fantasize about Jane. I did nothing but imagine myself growing old with her an being cute together for about 4 years in middle and high school. I took on interests and hobbies that I thought would make it easier to relate to her. I felt her voice and spirit leave an imprint within the chambers of my desires. “This is it,” I thought. “She’s the one.”
And then something happened. Something changed. I fell for someone else… someone more real. Someone who I could actually talk to and laugh with. Someone so wise, easygoing and naturally attractive that the previous infatuation seemed like a mere acorn lobbed at my chest compared to this nuclear explosion, decimating any and all traces of sense and reason from my unsuspecting heart.
We all know who I’m talking about.
But then, something changed. I felt something I haven’t felt in a long time. Something dangerous. Something familiarly false. I saw a girl working at a coffee shop. And then I saw her again. And every time I saw her or said something to her, I felt the imprints of yore eroding away. I felt infatuation for someone I didn’t know. Again. But with this new infatuation, I was able to forge a weapon. One that could potentially cleave the blade of Nell in two. The obvious problem was that I was still the same person. I wouldn’t be able to wield this new power without it hurting me the same way Nell’s did.
As I worked up the courage to talk to her and ask her out, I fell for yet another girl. I was caught totally off guard, as if my psyche was crying out that I’m finally ready to be with someone. Here are all the potential suitresses who could bring me happiness. All the while, I fall more and more in love with the fantasies I’ve created around the idea of being with someone.
For nearly three decades, I’ve been biding my time, waiting for the day I’d allow myself to feel happiness. I am “happy”, in the sense that most of the time, I’m getting through the day, enjoying my little victories (mostly delicious food), while holding out for my life to start. I’m not “happy”, in the sense that nothing has any meaning if I’m isolated from the world. I want somebody. Someone to call my own. Someone who makes it all worth it. Someone I can cozy up with and feel giddy about. Someone I can share my life with.
I thought that would be Nell. As much as I’ve wanted it to be her, I know it’s impossible in more ways than one. The Nell I’ve held on to and created isn’t the same as the real Nell, and hasn’t been for a long time. It’s the idealization of my deepest desires and a safe haven for my ego when I’m broken and alone. It’s easy to fall back on the comfort of the past in the face of the arduous and daunting task of creating something greater.
My dream is to be with someone. I thought it had to be Nell, but I couldn’t impose that dream onto reality. I do have the capacity to love with just as much fire and intensity as I had loved her, only this time it’ll be with someone who will love me back. And on that day, it will be as if the long shadow of an unbreakable moon gives way to the unstoppable majesty of the glorious sun.