December 8, 2019
Hey Elizabeth,
Congratulations on your engagement!
I want to talk to you because I do miss you. I miss you in the way one misses an old friend. In the past, I may have gotten jealous, seeing you with someone else. That reaction would have been misguided. The truth, which I’ve come to accept, is that I always loved you, but we didn’t have any chemistry. I believed our friendship would be enough to see us through, but I confused it with romance and of course it wasn’t the same. I blamed it on everything outside of my control. I convinced myself that even if we weren’t right for each other now, we would be later, that the timing was just wrong… the hatred I felt from your parents, the uncertainty of moving, and the instability of being unable to provide for myself, no less a family. But the most important thing that broke our communication was how I was actually in love with the idea of someone else. I believed removing all of these obstacles would clear the way towards an unparalleled love at which we were at the epicenter, but it all ended before that could happen.
None of that matters anymore. Well, only in the sense that I want you to know the truth. You didn’t do anything wrong. Everything was my fault. In fact, I am the villain that your parents always made me out to be. Maybe not exactly in the way they portrayed, but trust me I’m guilty. I lied to you, and I lied to myself about how I felt about you. I told myself if I just forced myself to go through the motions, then eventually my feelings would catch up, and we could have a happy life. I want you to know that I had the best intentions. We were completely doomed from the start, but please know I honestly believed it could work. That’s why I held on for as long as I did.
I’m happy you’ve found someone. I don’t mean that with even the slightest hint of bitterness or irony. You deserve to be happy. I couldn’t give you what you wanted, and so I’m glad there’s someone out there that can.
What I knew in my gut when we broke up was that I lost a best friend. We were never meant to be lovers, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t love you. I have always loved and cared for you. That’s why I’ll continue to keep my distance like you want, even though I miss having you as a friend. I love you, and wish you all the happiness that married life can bring.
-Seth