This was written only one day after the last entry. Nell isn’t her real name. I nicknamed her Nell after Eric Clapton’s nickname for Pattie. I remember getting a rush every time I said or heard her actual name. I continued referring to her as Nell for a handful of entries, thinking a pen name would make it feel more personal. As a bonus, it would conceal her true identity in case the journal ever fell into the wrong hands.
I didn’t want to go to college. I was sure that what I wanted to learn – how to enjoy life, how to love, how to express my feelings – wasn’t being taught in any classroom. I already had a pretty good idea that I wanted to play music in some capacity, and the music that I wanted to play wasn’t being taught either. The music I loved was about a perfect synchronization of sound, emotion, and complete freedom. I thought, “How could any snobby expensive college have any idea what that was about?”
If I decided to go to a state school, I would have to ask my parents for help too, which I wasn’t too keen on. I had a hard time asking for such a large investment from my parents on what I believed would have been a waste on me. I felt that if I couldn’t pay for it on my own, I shouldn’t do it. And every logical fiber of me was telling me that even if I managed to have that money lying around, there would be plenty of smarter ways to use it.
January 22, 2008
I wonder what school would be like without her. Maybe I’d get better grades? Maybe I would think about going to college. Who knows?
Nell has been a huge part of my life the last two years. I’m afraid I’ll never get to talk to her again after high school. It won’t affect her at all, I’m sure, but it breaks my heart. It’s very likely that I’ll meet somebody who I love more than her, whatever my disillusions are in the here and now. As of this moment there is nobody in the world who is as complete as she is. And I’m trying to get through the day today… not in five years when I should be able to say, “Who’s Nell?”
Five years have come and gone…