May 30, 2018
I have eleven out of my twelve songs just about ready. It has been a long journey to this point. Maybe I’m reminiscing prematurely because there’s still a ways to go, even after I finish the last one. And I’ve had some positive feedback, but I still have no real idea of how it’ll be received. I’m already thinking of my next album though, and how different I want it to sound.
It’s funny, I always thought that once I finished this, everyone could see how great I was, and they’d give me a chance to prove myself. It’s not even enough to finish the album. That’s only a ticket for me to say, look, I’m not completely useless. I then have to still demonstrate that I’m capable in other ways too, from the position of a beggar. Who are the royalty I want to notice me, and why do I need them to notice me?
Nell… Elizabeth… and every other girl I’ll ever be with. They deserve better. I don’t want being seen with me to be an embarrassment. Is that pride? It’s probably why I can’t face women right now. I want them to see me at my best, not at my worst or even when I’m just doing okay. I’m a nobody, and I don’t believe in selling bullshit. I’m not going to try to convince someone that I’m actually a somebody when I know that shit’s not true. I know I’m a nobody, but I’m turning into a somebody… a somebody that I think may be good enough to be part of normal society finally.
Every character from my past who has already made it. By that I mean, they’ve gotten married and are successful. I’m incredibly envious of those people who’ve been so blessed. It makes me angry even. How can it be so easy for them to be in love and have such a happy social life? I want it. I want it so much. But the fruit is not yet ripe. I have to keep growing. I need to use my time to work on the album, not chase after happiness directly.
Speaking of fruit, those who work so hard all their lives and only get to enjoy the fruit of their labor for a fraction of their old life… that’s been my fear since high school… that time is running out. Would it have been better to be like everyone else and party through their twenties? That wasn’t even an option for me, for so many reasons. I wish I could have enjoyed myself… at any point. My life has been getting better, but on average my 28 years on Earth have been miserable. I want to enjoy it. But when?
Every character from my past who has made me feel inadequate. All the bullies and the parents. All those who’ve looked at me with disgust or dismissiveness. I’m too proud to let that go. I have to prove them wrong.
Every character from my past who have been allies and have been so sweet to me. Friends… maybe that’s going too far. No… it’s an accurate description. They’re my friends. I’ve been incredibly lucky that among the fires and ashes of hell, I’ve found some beautiful individual flowers that have bloomed in my presence. I won’t let their faith in me go unanswered. I have to reward them for giving me a chance and trusting me, by proving I am more than this.
All of my heroes who are still alive. Elton… Mark… Eric… Stevie… Jimmy… they have to know I exist before they die. They’re all going to die real soon. I want to meet them and talk to them. Not as just a fan, but as a musician. I need them to acknowledge me. They’ve set the bar in my mind. They are the bar. I need to know I’m on the right path.
My future fans, if this life will bless me enough to have any… I have to hang in there for them. I have to get this music out. I want to inspire them like so many have inspired me. I want my music to be there for them. To help them… and to be signposts for them in their lives as they navigate through unknown paths. I want them to know that they aren’t alone in their darkness.
And myself. I have nothing to prove to myself. I know I can do it. It’s just a matter of time and strategy. But the part of me that wants to finally enjoy life… that part is crying out for a climax to this story. Not a happy ending, but a happy middle.