Insomnia was hard for me to handle. I’d first try to go to sleep, then think about Nell, then feel terribly sad, then snap myself out of it by getting up and walking around, and finally try to fall asleep again. I couldn’t control or calm my own mind, and I would do this many times during the night over and over again until I was too tired to think anymore.
Eventually, I started taking pills to help me sleep. Typically, two would be sufficient to help me drift off. On this night, I was feeling horrible enough from depression to take the rest of the pills in the bottle (there were only 7 left), figuring there was a chance I wouldn’t wake up from that sleep.
April 20, 2008
Full moon. 7 pills. Dream?
April 21, 2008
No, but prom is this weekend. I fear for my life.
April 29, 2008
I love Kristen Bell
June 24, 2008
Just kidding… anyway, Austin again. Who’d have thought it?
Prom was something that I both dreaded and looked forward to ever since I learned what it was in elementary school. I set it up in my mind to be the ultimate climax to high school, signifying a transformation into adulthood. As the date drew closer, there were many doubts in my mind whether or not I could make it live up to even half that expectation. In fact, Nell was going with her boyfriend, and I was terrified what my melodramatic mind would make of that fact.
As a result, I spent every night during the week of prom at the movie theater hopping from movie to movie, trying to immerse myself in another world and avoiding my own. My favorite movie was Forgetting Sarah Marshall, starring Kristen Bell. It was about a man going through a breakup with the beautiful Sarah Marshall. He takes a vacation to Hawaii to try to forget about her, only to find her there with another man, played by Russell Brand. It was a movie I could relate to.
I first became fascinated with Russell Brand’s persona in this movie. He had such a coolness about him, and it seemed very practical and relevant to me. He had so much social ease and expressiveness even while acting, whereas I still had trouble carrying on normal conversations. After I saw this movie, I downloaded all of the podcasts of his BBC Radio 2 show where he seemed to talk with non-stop enthusiasm and wit for hours at a time. I put these on my iPod and listened constantly every day, trying to learn from his timing, mindset, and mastery of language.
And Kristen Bell was so beautiful. I loved watching her perform. I watched the movie many times and tried to replace Nell with this celebrity. Whenever a thought of Nell would enter my brain, I would force myself to try to think of Kristen Bell instead. It didn’t work very well (no shade intended… it was more just due to my own whacky obsession, as Kristen is a fantastic human being!), and I quickly went back to my old patterns.
After just barely passing my last class and graduating, I immediately hopped back on a bus straight to Austin.