July 27, 2015
Do you believe someone can be truly happy despite all the sadness they hide, bottled up inside? I’ve been single for over a week now. Elizabeth broke up with me. I was too scared to get close to her. I thought if I put all of my love and trust in her, it would mean I was closing the door to you forever. I don’t have the courage to do that. And now I’ve lost the one person who was always there for me no matter what.
There was a part of me that I never let her see. It’s the part I keep for you. And she sensed that my heart wasn’t fully into the relationship.
I don’t want to let you go. Does that mean that I’ll always be alone? Who would want to be with me, who only has part of a heart to give?
I’m destined to be alone forever then. I want to be happy. I want to be sad. I want to be alive. But I feel dead inside.
I don’t feel sad. Maybe because I never put all of myself into the relationship in the first place. I don’t feel happy. I lost my best friend. I care about her so much. And I do love her. Always.
But I obsess over you. Who wins between love and obsession? There’re only losers — me. But why? Why am I addicted to you? What do you represent to me? Self-pity? Happiness? Anger? Love? A portal to true, honest raw emotions? Why are you the only thing that is real to me?
You’re not real. You can’t be. Yet you impact my life in its entirety. I can’t say it’s my life any more. I don’t seem to have any control over it. I only see you.
When I was with Elizabeth, it was like I’d put my life (with Nell) on hold. I felt content and somewhat happy. All the ups and downs I felt with Nell years ago were far away, and it was easy to pretend that those frustrations were trivial. When Elizabeth and I broke up, all those feelings came rushing back all at once, as if the dam holding back the river had suddenly broken. My best friend Elizabeth, the person who I used to talk to about everything, was now also my ex.
After about a week, I sent Elizabeth messages over text and email asking if we could talk. She refused, losing my number and blocking me on all the major forms of social media. I continued to overachieve at work and live my new life. Yet underneath I was distraught, riding a dull hum of desperation and regret. The what-if’s and maybe-if-I’s filled me with a mournful poignancy for what I’d lost.
As much as I was thinking about Elizabeth, I spent a great deal more time thinking about Nell. I gave myself permission to check Nell’s Instagram pictures. At first I was happy, like being with an old friend again, or returning to an old drug habit. But these moments were followed by the familiar comedowns. I’d often get short of breath feeling the intensity that her pictures evoked, and I’d have to shut it off.
I was conflicted with how I thought I felt for Nell and how I used to feel for Elizabeth. For the first time in a while, I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted and again started to question everything I thought I believed about love, marriage, and happily-ever-afters.
While I was sorting through all that in my new home California, Nell was making a decision of her own on her side of the world.
August 8, 2015
Everything seems so pointless without her… without you.
I want you. That’s how I feel. That’s how I’ve rationalized all my actions. But it doesn’t make sense. Do I want you for a moment? Or for ever? What do I want?
Why was I drawn into you? There was a time long ago when I wasn’t. I’ve been hopping from one obsession to another. For some reason, I can’t seem to let go of you.