Mar 28, 2020
It’s Nell’s birthday. Tradition dictates that I write about her and how she still haunts me. About how the reaper of time has ripped any illusions of chance I had to be with her. About how even time itself could not sway the steadfastness of my love for her. I will love her to the grave. All of these sentiments are true, of course. However, lately a new ship has been moored in the harbor.
There’s a new girl. It’s the girl from a few entries ago, a girl who works at the coffee shop inside the bookstore. A girl who inspired me to write another song. A girl I’ve had a few conversations with, but has ultimately eluded my poor attempts at trying to get her to notice me. It’s been several months since I first wrote about her, and yet every time I go to try and talk to her, I leave dazed and unable to summon any of the life skills I’ve gathered up to this point at 30 years on the earth.
In my mind, she’s already taken up the mantle of “new Nell”. The emotions I experienced and felt the first time around with Nell is happening again with this girl. The adrenaline rushes, the high highs and low lows, my imagination running wild like a zebra in Madagascar. I’ve been able to mollify my enthusiasm and desires slightly, but I can feel my heart obstinately refusing to respond to anyone else.
I can’t turn my eyes to any other girl, for fear of leading them on. I know if I asked out any other girl, it would be an Elizabeth situation again. I’d convince myself that if I just wait long enough, I’ll eventually catch feelings. Meanwhile, I’d pine over someone else. Everybody’s time gets wasted, and I’m the bad guy.
I didn’t want to cement my infatuation by writing about it until I acted on it and made it more real. If I write about how wonderful she is, and then nothing ever becomes of it, I’d feel worse being reminded of my weakness and mistakes forevermore. But, she has affected me quite a bit, so I think it’s only fair I christen this entry not with a pen name, but with her actual name… Siobhan. A separate entity entirely, to keep calling her “new Nell” would be inconsiderate.
It’s different somehow. I can’t place my finger on it. There are so many similarities between how I felt with Nell and how I feel with Siobhan. And almost all of those feelings have to do with myself, and how I judge and see my own worth. I fail to perform. I can’t approach her without things falling apart. Therefore, I’m a failure.
My greatest goal in this life is to be with that special person. I’ve found two people like that and both times I’ve failed in many different ways. I see it while it’s happening. I’m in the middle of it. It’s happening right now, as I type these words. All of those horrible feelings that I felt while I was enamored with Nell are creeping back. I feel disgusted at myself because I’m not confident, charismatic, or naturally attractive enough to get her attention. I feel overlooked, passed by, and taken for granted.
I did everything I could. I tried to remember everything I knew about approaching and having the right mindset for chatting up women. I tried my hardest, and it still wasn’t enough. It doesn’t even matter that I managed to talk to her. It doesn’t matter that personally, that’s a victory. I’m doing something that’s hard for me to do. It just doesn’t matter. In the end, she’s the judge and jury. I didn’t get the girl. That’s it.
In the long run, you could call it a positive step in the right direction. I’ve been making positive steps forever. By the time I reach whatever I’m walking towards, I’m going to be half in the grave. What’s the point of this journey if it only ends when I’m dead?
This is only a failure because I don’t come across many girls that I actually like. If amazing women are so common, then why have I only been smitten a handful of times throughout my entire life? It was almost a dozen years before I met someone I thought I could potentially love as much if not much more than Nell. Lower my standards? How can I love someone and fully appreciate them with the long shadows of Nell and Siobhan looming behind me? The moon and the sun. They were fantasies that have and will remain fantasies because I don’t have any reference points for any realities where I’m actually in a relationship with them. Nell? Okay, that ship has sailed. But now there’s Siobhan. I’ve just replaced one fantasy with another.
Do I wait another dozen years for someone else who inspires me? What is this fantasy exactly? Am I seeking a partner who will rectify some childhood disappointments? Maybe. Maybe it’s something true and everlasting. Maybe I just want a partner. Maybe I want validation. Validation from one person who I’ve deemed as ‘safe’ and ‘worthy’ to receive validation from. Something I never got from my parents. A family. I want the happy family with the love of my life. This chance with Siobhan has just about slipped through my fingers. How do I know she’s so special? I just do. Every cell in my body says this person is good, kind, and compatible. And I can completely sense that I’d be able to be those things for her. I feel it in my bones. Recognizing who is or who isn’t the one for me isn’t my problem. The next time a potential ‘love of my life’ appears before me, I have to be ready.
But, I won’t have any other choice but to wait for now. There’s some sort of virus going around and the shops have closed. I’m working from home, too. I hope Siobhan is safe and healthy. I hope Nell is okay, too. I hope everyone in my family tree of friends is okay. I’ll be okay. We’ll all be okay. It wouldn’t make much sense for us not to be. We’ve got too much left to accomplish and too much of our story left to write. Our ships will set sail soon.
Before they do, a toast to Nell, the shining lighthouse that continually guided my ratty old ship safely into harbor throughout these tumultuous years. Happy 30th.