March 29, 2026
I can categorize my life in periods based on the girl I was enamored with at the time.
The teacher’s daughter in elementary school.
The British (or maybe the accent was Australian?) girl who sat across the lunch room in middle school. I think her name was Dawn.
Then, Jessica when I moved schools in middle school.
Then, Danika in high school. That lasted the longest.
Then, for a brief moment, I felt butterflies again for someone — a girl named Siobhan at a coffee shop around the time just before the pandemic.
By then, I had significantly more self-awareness and control, and I stopped all daydreaming activities as soon as she rejected me.
Since then, I’ve wondered if I’d ever feel this deeply for someone. Or at least if I’d ever get the butterflies again.
Yesterday… I did.
If, as previously postulated, my fixations are based on traits or qualities I want to see in myself… what could I possibly feel I’m lacking this time?
I think the answers lie in a different question… what do I like about her?
Perhaps it’s her honesty. Like me, she quit her job and chose to go on a journey to discover truth.
Perhaps it’s her purity. She laughs at things that are off-beat, which I find are adorable. She isn’t afraid to laugh at herself. She embodies the word “amused” as I do.
Perhaps it’s her dedication to beauty, to the universe, and to life. Through symbolism, she’s found the road to balance, which she strives for continuously.
We got lost, and she didn’t seem to mind. Getting lost is usually part of my plans.
She’s very open to new experiences and tries not to judge too quickly.
I feel safe talking to her. Maybe that’s the most important part.
Some people force you to put up your guard when you speak to them.
The special ones reassure you as you lower them.
Perhaps it’s when I look in her eyes… when I see her smile, I see a sea of love and life.
Perhaps… it’s recognition. These are ways I could describe myself. Seeing the values and qualities I’ve struggled and sacrificed for… seeing them in another and realizing this is a kindred spirit seems to have a similar swooning effect.
I’m not lacking. This is admiration.
She didn’t feel the same way,
but now I know that the butterflies can return.
And, I know they will once again, very soon.
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