Sep 8, 2020 Abort, abort! It’s over. I asked her if she was seeing anybody, and she replied, “I’m not interested in that.” For some reason though, I’m not too upset about it at the moment. Maybe it’ll hit me later, but it’s something about the way it all unfolded. I asked, “Even just as friends?” She said it wouldn’t be professional, and this kind of thing has happened before. I think there may have been one guy who ruined it for everyone else. Or maybe several guys. Her heart does seem to be overly guarded. I thought she was just shy, but it’s probably an unfortunate defense mechanism. She…

Aug 30, 2020 Siobhan stopped coming to the coffee shop. I want love so badly. I want a home where I can cook good food with people I love, and make good music. That’s what it boils down to, I guess. And to just be nice to everyone. It had to be with Nell. She felt like home to me. That didn’t really work out. The person who feels like home to me now is Siobhan. If she’s even half as great as I think she is, I’d be a fool to choose anyone else. I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again… but, isn’t it worth waiting for…

Apr 21, 2020 “Please understand me.” This is what I wish I could tell you, mother. What I could never tell you. I never learned the words. The child in me cowers alone, sat on the floor, Clutching his knees to his chest, wondering, “Why does she hate me?” I never learned to ask. And I never learned why. I’ve regressed to tell you, “Please don’t hate me.” The words escape much more weakly than I anticipated In a tremble. Funny, I’d not the slightest longing to hear you say, “I love you.” I’ve never had the capability of saying those words either. And I know this shield I’ve constructed…

Mar 28, 2020 It’s Nell’s birthday. Tradition dictates that I write about her and how she still haunts me. About how the reaper of time has ripped any illusions of chance I had to be with her. About how even time itself could not sway the steadfastness of my love for her. I will love her to the grave. All of these sentiments are true, of course. However, lately a new ship has been moored in the harbor. There’s a new girl. It’s the girl from a few entries ago, a girl who works at the coffee shop inside the bookstore. A girl who inspired me to write another song.…

Jan 22, 2020 I’m starting to see past it… the long shadow of Nell, or the moon, as I’ve now symbolically dubbed her. As great as the moon is, I realize there are other, larger celestial bodies in the universe. For the longest time, I could see only darkness, standing in the epicenter of her eclipse. Now, as the moon slowly rolls away, the first rays of sun peek out, its crisp brightness just hinting at an enormous source of strength and power. It sounds a bit dramatic, doesn’t it? 🙂 I’ve been working at a desk in an office for nearly four years. The work itself is insignificant, although…

December 8, 2019 Hey Elizabeth, Congratulations on your engagement! I want to talk to you because I do miss you. I miss you in the way one misses an old friend. In the past, I may have gotten jealous, seeing you with someone else. That reaction would have been misguided. The truth, which I’ve come to accept, is that I always loved you, but we didn’t have any chemistry. I believed our friendship would be enough to see us through, but I confused it with romance and of course it wasn’t the same. I blamed it on everything outside of my control. I convinced myself that even if we weren’t…

Sep 29, 2019 I suppose in a sense, I’m “happy”. I’m free of my parents and family… I’m on my own with a place and a job… I’ve even made a few friends here and there. Of course, what’s missing is… Nell. Well, not exactly. Things have changed. Things are changing.  I used to daydream and fantasize about Jane. I did nothing but imagine myself growing old with her an being cute together for about 4 years in middle and high school. I took on interests and hobbies that I thought would make it easier to relate to her. I felt her voice and spirit leave an imprint within the…

March 28, 2019 I wish I could call you and tell you happy birthday, but that would be weird, wouldn’t it? First there would be the awkward, “Who is this?” “It’s me, Seth,” I’d say… “the boy who was hopelessly in love with you, irrespective of the entropic properties of both time and space, and to you is now likely just a pesky echo from the past.” “Oh, how are you?” you’d reply, with an air of indifference. “I don’t know how I am” Honestly, I don’t. I’m not any closer to being worthy of you. I’m still shy. My social skills can still only be described as stilted and…

September 3, 2018 I’m close. I’m so close. The album is literally days from being mastered and completed. The artwork is coming together. The website is functioning. It’s so close. I’m on the cusp of finishing. I feel great. I’ve made friends along the way. In fact, I don’t think I’ve had this many friends at any point in my life before. I feel blessed, and I don’t want to let any of them down. I’m pretty content. I’m 28. I have a relatively stable and normal life with a great boss. I’m paying off a huge bill for some Invisalign braces, which is a bummer. I had to sing…

July 26, 2018 I just woke up from a dream I had. It’s similar to the ones I’ve had before. Elizabeth and I both went to jail (or some weird version of jail with an airport and restaurants). She wouldn’t talk to me or acknowledge me in any way, although I earnestly spoke to her and pleaded for her to listen. It wasn’t out of desperation. In fact, this is the same sort of dream I used to have with Nell where she would ignore me, except those dreams physically wrenched my guts and put me in a cold sweat. This particular dream wasn’t so impassioned, but when she did…