October 16, 2016 Elizabeth, I think about you every day. It was easy for about the first week. I thought that was what I wanted. Our relationship seemed more like a burden to me than a gift, and I selfishly wanted out. You did too, but for reasons I can only guess. Your parents, for one. Two, you were thinking about breaking up even before I moved, you said. You felt like we were drifting apart. It wasn’t a complete accident. I’d given my heart away a long time ago to someone else. I never had the courage to tell you that because I was afraid it would hurt you beyond…

January 26, 2016 Nell, I have some things I need to tell you. We haven’t spoken in a while. You knew me at my weakest, when I was like a budding seed surrounded by the harshness of winter. Like a beam of sunlight, you inspired me to grow and blossom into something stronger. Although I can support myself by my own roots now, I continue to cherish what you mean to me. And like the sunlight changes its intensity with the passing seasons, I know you, too, must change. We are dynamic human beings, and must never stagnate. You may grow… a little or a lot. But no matter who you…

However, before I could get up and start running, I had to break the chains around my legs. I had a little bit of a false start on this day, but if I wanted to do it right, I had to settle these issues in my mind once and for all. January 14, 2016 I want my best friend back. I want Elizabeth to talk to me. I don’t understand why she won’t. I’m sad and confused by it. I know I have an independent streak. But it’s hard sometimes. You fear the darkness, so you conquer it, and live inside it. But you find after a while you’ve become…

December 18, 2015 Nell is engaged. I’m being a pussy. I’m not being real. I need to cut out the bullshit in my life. Fuck people’s feelings. This is my life. Cut the bullshit, focus on what matters. I gave church a chance… against my better judgment. It ends. Seek pleasure, avoid pain. This is what people naturally do. I’m being challenged by fear. I feel it. I have the chance to fight it, and I’m a pussy for not drawing my sword. Instead I search for a place to hide. To avoid embarrassment. Halfway through an immersion in fear, I feel the grip of the chains shackling me. But…

July 27, 2015 Do you believe someone can be truly happy despite all the sadness they hide, bottled up inside? I’ve been single for over a week now. Elizabeth broke up with me. I was too scared to get close to her. I thought if I put all of my love and trust in her, it would mean I was closing the door to you forever. I don’t have the courage to do that. And now I’ve lost the one person who was always there for me no matter what. There was a part of me that I never let her see. It’s the part I keep for you. And she…

In January of 2015, the move finally happened. I packed up my life in Nashville, leaving behind everything I knew was holding me back. Elizabeth was worried sick about my future, as were my parents. I wanted a clean break, but they talked me into taking the car and some money. This was my second escape since Austin. I was a little more mature than the first time, just as desperate, yet a lot more faithful that somehow everything would be okay. I met with a guy from Craigslist who wanted a ride out to Arizona, and we planned to pick up someone else along the way to share gas…

August 10, 2011 London is burning. Townspeople are banding together to drive out hooligans. It’s madness. It sounds like a period movie about ancient times, but it’s now. I wish Superman was real. Batman could put out these fires with his plane. Brave Buddies is starting again soon. I’m nervous and excited. I watched myself in my intro video. I need to work on talking proper. This 18 year old kid who lives in Texas is in the same situation I was when I was 18. He wants to run away so that it’ll be easier to talk. I don’t know… maybe that’s what he needs. I’m terrible at giving…

July 10, 2011 I have a girlfriend now. She’s Elizabeth from the internet, and she lives inside my electric window box called a computer screen. She is actually from Orange County, CA like the show The O.C., and I went there in January. I got a plane ticket and a hotel room right outside of Disneyland… this really nice one with a radio beside the bed that played relaxing nature music (more like sounds / noises). We met in person for the first time at Disneyland with her parents, who watched us like hawks. First kiss in a Mickey Mouse Theater. It was nice. I don’t know where this relationship is…

I went to a selective mutism conference in Chicago, hoping to meet others like myself. I found a few people with selective mutism, as well as a myriad of researchers and health professionals. One person named Dr. Kurtz was starting an experimental week-long intensive program called Brave Buddies, designed for young children with SM around the ages of 3 to 6. I traveled to New York to be a volunteer counselor in his camp, and worked with a group of children, all of whom had SM, to help reach their goals. It was bizarre and touching to see a room-full of kids who were going through exactly what I went through…

March 1, 2010 My 20th birthday is almost over. 19 wasn’t that exciting either. I’m not any closer to the person I want to be. I’m not good enough for her or for anyone. Nell, Rachel, Ashley, Tina, Alice… even Jenny or Elizabeth. What is it that I’m truly after? A good education? A decent job, a car, a house? Do I want these things for Nell? Well what does she mean to me? Acceptance, connection, understanding? Love? It couldn’t be that simple. Too many questions, not enough insight to answer any. In my search for the answers to my questions, I stumbled upon a VH1 reality show called The…