November 1, 2009 Today was the worst. I had a dream this morning where I was sitting in class, and she came in with a baby in a stroller. I took one look at her, and a wave of sadness came over me. Without saying a word, I got up and stumbled out into the hallway where I wandered aimlessly against the lockers like a drunken madman. It’s funny how nightmares can make you sweat even when you’re asleep. But usually the horrors of the night are forgotten with the dawn. I ended up having Nell on my mind the entire day. I would have called her if I hadn’t dialed…

From: ѕιмply aмυѕed ツ Subject: hey Message: I don’t know if you ever check this or will even read it… but just wanted to say thank you for EVERYTHING. You don’t know how amazing you really were to me, you actually seemed to care and treat me as a normal person. You’re so talented and nice, I hope you find that special girl 😉 and good luck w/ becoming a dentist. Have fun at college and kick some serious *** in karate. Also that one drawing website I told you about.. make sure to pwn. Its really been incredible talking to you. Thanks for all the fun times and remember…

By October, I’d started at Nashville State Community College. I picked a lot of general classes, and enjoyed going to a class where I could focus on the work instead of being depressed or thinking about Nell. I hadn’t seen her for over a year, and it gave me some room to put those feelings aside, at least for the moment. My focus was in psychology so that I could help others with selective mutism, but I was also thinking about becoming a dentist (for the money). After the fight I had with my roommate, I wanted to prepare myself for the next time I would need to defend myself.…

I didn’t get another job immediately. My counselor was helping me find one, but I couldn’t seem to get past the job requirements that always listed experience and an outgoing personality, both of which I knew I didn’t have. In the meantime, I distracted myself on an internet forum called Yahoo Answers. You could post any question, and within a few minutes, people would answer it. There were different areas of the forum dedicated to questions about philosophy, science, or movies, for example. I liked the fact that I could help and talk with other people without even leaving my house. And it was much easier on my anxieties because there was no face…

January 7, 2009 I feel so disconnected from the world, and it seems like every time I try to connect, I end up hurting myself somehow. Vanderbilt looks like it might be high school all over again. I was there for just a day, and I can already tell how much drama is in store for me if I get in. This could very much be a sign that I shouldn’t hope to go here and that I’m best off as far away from Nell as I can physically get. But instead of following my intuition like a smart person would, for some reason I find myself drawn to it…

October 11, 2008 Fuck this city. I’m back in prison. Except it’s more like rehab, and I’m checking myself in after my views have been modified following a month or three of weed, titty bars, cocaine, blues, and work. I’ve got to be careful not to let myself get back into a self-destructive pattern. Time to grow the fuck up. November 3, 2008 Sometimes I get this urge to call Nell, though I can’t figure out why. Just to say “hi” and to hear her voice again, I suppose. But every time I get off the phone with her I always end up feeling like shit. Something happens — the call…

October 6, 2008 Jim came home really drunk and shitfaced. As soon as he came in he was like, “Seth, you fucking pussy!” So I told him to fuck off, and then he started yelling at me like, “What? Did you just tell me to fuck off? You wanna start something?” And I told him no. I didn’t want to fight him. Then he tried to punch me. I moved out of the way but he got me on my left cheek, and as a reflex I threw one of my own, and I knocked his glasses off. My other roommate George who was sober came in to try to…

September 3, 2008 I crossed paths with an old man carrying his groceries across the street yesterday. Ten seconds later I heard a car’s screeching tires, and I turn around to see what looked like a guy threw himself out of a car. It was the old man. He got hit. The medics and police came to help the blood-covered man and to clear up the mess he made with the car. At the time I was thinking how maybe I could have done something if I had left the house a bit later or walked slower. But I’m left unshaken. This is only what I see. What I don’t…

August 21, 2008 So two months later, I have a part-time, steady job, and I’m staying at a house with two roommates. George, the drunk, is outgoing, a social Darwinist, and talks about using women for sex when he’s not actually getting hammered. My other roommate, Jim, is a down-to-earth waiter at a Mexican restaurant who likes to get high and fuck also. The sorority job… every single girl is this stereotypical, high class, cheerleader / prom queen type, white, daughter of some well off Christian family. I’m sweeping and mopping floors, washing dishes, watering plants, and cleaning shit after these women. They’re filthy, dirty little girls… immature, sheepish, cult-like…

July 5, 2008 It took 3 hours to check my email. Fucking bus… I’m officially a slave to the system. Not capitalism. I’ve always been a part of that. I mean metro transit. But I guess they’re both the same thing. I’ve been rejected by both Walgreens and Jack-in-the-Box, but it’s okay because I got a reply from Nell! July 13, 2008 S.O.S. – same old shit. Still no job. I need a bag. And a car. Memo: don’t handle jalapeno seeds with bare hands. If that happens, don’t rub your eyes with fingers. July 17, 2008 This could either work out really well, or it could completely backfire on…